Today my husband was told that he would be considered a "Free Range Child" in today's lexicon. His first thought was that it means he is related to chickens. I have to admit that when he told me the story, I was thinking of chickens, too. I went online to research what the expression "free range child" means in the context of current parenting. Apparently it is desirable to raise free range children. Allowing children more autonomy and freedom develops very desirable traits in children. Kudos to the parents practicing "free range" parenting with their children.
Here is the part where I am unsure of how to proceed. It is true that my husband would qualify as a free range child today. The truth is that my husband ran free because his parents were heavy alcoholics and their lifestyle consumed their lives to the point that my husband raised himself. My husband had many grand adventures as a child, and having been raised by parents who were far too strict and controlling, I envy his freedom to a certain extent. There are many downsides to his freedom--points that probably don't apply to the current batch of free range parents, but deserve some mention, at least.
There are pros and cons to today's version of free range parenting. My husband experienced many of the pros, and the cons really didn't apply to the world he lived in at the time. Here was his downside:
- As a very young child, he was often left to the care of a brother ten years his senior, who resented having to parent his younger brother, especially when it imposed on his teenage free range opportunities. His brother was often abusive in his interactions.
- Being left alone to do your own homework, fix your own meals, entertain yourself before bedtime, and then putting yourself to bed all alone in the house are often overwhelming and fear-inducing. Especially when your parents come home at 2 a.m. drunk and fighting, sometimes violently.
- There were no parents around to help my husband learn many skills he needed to know to fit well into the world around him. Luckily, my husband was an intelligent and observant child and learned many things from those around him, but there are still many that he needed that he didn't learn because his parents weren't around to teach him. Even when they were around, it was as if he didn't exist (especially in the case of his father who acted as though he had no son at all).
- Parents provide security for children. My husband did not have that.
- My husband has lived with abandonment issues for most of his life.
I could provide a much lengthier list, but the point isn't the list. The point of this is to explore where free range parenting ends and hands off parenting begins. I don't like dealing in absolutes, because life is always grey, and should be grey. But I think there is a place where grey begins to turn to black and the child suffers. This is true on both sides of the equation, by-the-way. Since I was raised by neglectful, but strict/controlling parents I could create a list from the other side of things. There should be an exploration of these fringe areas.
I have a daughter-in-law who has made it a point to develop a relationship with my husband and I, so we have been able to view a great deal of she and our son's parenting of our grandchildren. She, to me, is the model of what good parenting is all about. She and our son are very hands on parents, and their children know they are loved. Our children also let their children explore the world, offer them many experiences that expand their world, and let them develop those positive traits that free range parenting provides. These children are also very careful to teach their children how to function in these experiences so that our grandchildren are prepared, and my grandchildren know that their parents are always there to be a support system for them as they go out on their own with many experiences. I believe that these children have found the right balance between hands-on and free range parenting. My young grandchildren have been conquering 14ers in Colorado. They mountain climb and rappel. They are learning to shoot, and hike and fish. My granddaughter has created art that is professional quality art, and has been provided the support and provisions to explore her talents as much as she wants. My grandson has an affinity for wildlife and my kids let him experience that in many ways. My grandkids are self-sufficient, creative, self-aware, socially adept, and more.
We have another child and child-in-law who have an autistic son. Their balance between being hands-on and free range parents is very different from that of their sibling. This grandson requires more hands-on parenting and vigilance, but his parents work very hard to give him those free range experiences that he can safely participate in. They provide so many opportunities for him to experience the world on his terms, and to learn and grow within his world. By necessity their parenting is different from other other children, but I believe that they strike a good balance with their son in providing him those growing experiences.
So, where does the line get drawn and how does a parent figure out whether they are providing enough hands-on versus freedom for their child? The answer to that is always, it depends on the parent/child. That is where help would be appreciated because children often do not exhibit the impact in ways that are easy to discern and interpret. This is where I think the experience of other parents and the advice of health professionals can be brought together to create a framework of understanding. Caring parents also have instincts and an understanding of their children that will also guide them very effectively in determining those dividing lines.
Sound off. How would you define the lines?
